When you can't say red

If you’re here, you’ve been there.

Or you’re hoping to go there.

In the heat of passion, in the nervousness before setup, it’s easy to forget about the things necessary to make things safe for you and your partner.

Safety may sound boring and the opposite of sexy, but I promise it is what makes the sexy stay that way.

Red.

Almost universally, the most commonly understood safeword structure is the traffic-light.

  • Red = stop
  • Yellow = caution (not speed up)
  • Green = go

A gag, a hood, or a pair of headphones take away these easy verbal check-in methods. That doesn't make the scene unsafe necessarily but it does mean you need to find alternate means of communicating with your partner.

You can use a dropped object. The restrained partner holds something small, like keys, or a bell, and dropping it means stop. The benefit here is that if your partner goes limp or slack, the safeword happens automatically. This does not work if your partner puts their finger through the keyring however. That needs to be a serious discussion.

When gagged during a check-in, you or your partner can use a humming pattern. One long hum means "I'm okay," and three short hums mean "stop." Practice it first. Before anything is taken away.

A hand squeeze is a simple and recognized method as well. Squeeze twice and they squeeze twice back. If they don't answer, you check on them right away. Caveats here though include the use of handcuffs and restraints. If the dominant partner is putting their weight on the submissive, this may cause injury. Climb off first if that is the case. Two hundred lbs. of forward weight on a handcuffed wrist is a real concern and not something that should happen.

Checking in on a timer is the least sexy thing that can happen and the most secure thing that can be done. If your fun involves sensory deprivation of any sort, a timer is the best thing that can be used. Every few minutes, the person in charge touches them and asks for the agreed signal.

In any and all cases with BDSM, silence is NOT consent. A partner who fails to respond during a check-in is cause for alarm and panic. Responsible dominants, and other play partners need reassurance before moving forward, and submissives and sub-leaning partners need to own the fact that this is something important not only for the dominants ability to move forward but for their mental well-being and safety as well.

Set up the signals early, before anyone takes clothes off or agrees to anything else. Do this while people are thinking clearly. Keep safety shears, keys, and anything else needed for immediate release immediately available.

Nobody wants to live through Gerald’s Game

Have fun.

Love,
-KR